Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
