it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
