you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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