Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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