Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
