I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
