um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
