ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
