the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
