8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
