The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
