i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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