That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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