By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
