I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
