Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
