Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
