he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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