Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
