"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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