hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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