he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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