Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
