you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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