i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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