I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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