He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
