I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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