My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize