Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
