Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
In America we eat man semen.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
