May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
