OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
