I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize