Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
