Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
