Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
