Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
