you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
