he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
