i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
