More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
