my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
