MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
