I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
tell me about the fingering
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
