i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
