wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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