I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
