why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
