a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
