I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize