I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
