Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
