the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
