saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
