I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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