Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
