You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
