I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
