i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize