i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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