My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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