If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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