I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
