Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
