take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
