How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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