Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
