I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
