He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
