someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
