I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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